Chicago Pride
5.10.2007
Mother's Day Checklist
It is tough being Mom. A mom's work is never done. Even holidays, while the rest of the family is relaxing in front of the plasma, Mom's are slaving away: wrapping gifts on Christmas, preparing turkeys on Thanksgiving, hiding eggs on Easter.
The second Sunday of May is the only true day of rest for Mom. It's also the one day of the year when gay sons and daughters are required to show their gratitude to the number one lady in their lives. Of course, as gay children, you should be showing your love and gratitude every day of the year. We are statistically better children than our straight siblings. But Mother's Day is the one day of the year to really go over the top with your love for mom. Jane Rave, mother of a gay son and author of Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How To Give Your Mother a Hangover, offers tips on how to make sure that Mom enjoys her special day.
Call Your Mother.
One Mother's Day after presenting me with my yearly bouquet of beautiful flowers, my son Robert returned back to his apartment in New York City. As I always do, I asked him to call me when he got home so that I knew that he was safe and sound. Hours came and went, and nothing. As it approached midnight, I began to panic. I had read about these mysterious disappearances before and imagined him lying helplessly in a dark alley somewhere. Needless to say, I finally tracked him down, with the help of his doorman, as he walked in with a "guest". Now, of course, I was relieved that Robert was alive and well, but for putting me through a night of unnecessary panic, I could have killed him.
A Simple "I Love You" is the Best Gift of All.
Robert was so excited to give me my Mother's Day gift he could barely stand it. I was packed and ready to catch a taxi to the airport when he asked me to close my eyes. When I opened them, I wasn't quite sure what to say. "It's an orchid," he said. Now, I may live in a small town in the Midwest, but I know what an orchid is. "A plant?" I asked, surprised. "It's an orchid," he repeated with pride. "B-b-but I'm getting on a plane," I tried to explain. "It can sit on your lap," he said. I smiled as we walked to the curb and Robert hailed a cab for me and I awkwardly climbed into the car with my orchid. I carried that orchid with two bags through the crowded airport, then into security when, to my horror, I was forced to put it on the conveyor belt. I grabbed what was left of it and boarded the plane and sat in my middle seat with the orchid on my lap the entire flight. I looked like a crazy person—but I did it—because my son was proud to give it to me. By the time my husband picked me up at the airport, the beautiful orchid was a stick in a pot. So, the moral of the story is, if your mother is about to board a plane, a nice "I love you, Mom" will suffice. It's easier to carry.
Prepare a Memorable Mother's Day Breakfast.
I sipped my coffee, gleefully taking in the bright morning at my favorite New York City restaurant Pastis, while anticipating my French toast. The day was picture perfect and it was my annual Mother's Day morning with my son. "Mom, I have an idea for a book," he said. I was so happy to hear this news. "That's fantastic!" I exclaimed. "My son, the author," I was so proud. Then he paused and said, "I think we should write a book together. It would be about our lives; me being gay, and you know, your life and stuff." My life and stuff? In a book? My coffee suddenly tasted like toilet water. I couldn't fathom who, what, where, and more importantly the WHY? "You are the voice of mothers across the country with gay children who are trying to understand them. Your voice would let parents know its okay to laugh with their kids about their sexuality, as opposed to the typical gloom-and-doom scenario," he said. "But I'm not qualified," I argued. "Wouldn't I need a degree in gay psychology or gay sex or something? I'm a bad gay mom. I think my membership at PFlag may have even expired." An hour and several back and forths later, I took a deep breath, looked my son in the eyes, and said, "If this is what you need me to do, I will do it. Now where is my French toast?"
Offer Mother Something New to Dote Over.
The Mother's Day before Robert left for college, he bought me a puppy. He knew I was having a difficult time with the thought of his leaving the nest and figured a dog might fill up some of the emptiness I was feeling. When I first set eyes on the furry little creature, I remember thinking, "Oh great, just what I need; another thing to clean up after". It didn't take long, however, to discover that the animal agreed with everything I had to say and never talked back. He was always eagerly waiting for me when I got home and never asked to borrow money. And, if truth be told, the dog was much cleaner than Robert.
Remember, for at least One Day, Mother is Your Number One Girl.
Here's a little known fact: Mother's Day began in the United States in 1872 as a day dedicated to peace. They should have added a day of peace and QUIET. Now, I'm a not usually insensitive when it comes to affairs of the heart, but I knew I was in for trouble when ten minutes before we were set to leave for the restaurant to celebrate my day, Robert's best girl friend Jennifer called with news that she and her boyfriend had broken up. "She was dumped, Mom, I have to stop by her apartment to make sure she is ok," said Robert. "OK," I acquiesced, "but please hurry back. I'm starving." Two long hours later, Robert returned. When we arrived at the restaurant, we had lost our reservation and were forced to wait another hour for a table. We returned home at 2:30AM and there was a message on the machine. Jennifer had committed a D.W.I. (Dialing While Intoxicated) and had rekindled the fires with her ex. Exacerbated, I made Robert promise that for every Mother's Day, he would turn his cell phone off, set his email to "away", and give me the one day. Jennifer can have the other 364.
Jane Rave's new book CONVERSATIONS AND COSMOPOLITANS: How To Give Your Mother A Hangover, co-written with her gay son Robert, is in stores now. For more information, visit www.convosandcosmos.com.
Buy COSMOPOLITANS: How To Give Your Mother A Hangover at shop.chicagopride.com
After Elton
5.10.2007
Myspace's featured book for the week leading up to Mother's Day is Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover. It's about a gay man coming out to his mother. Tip: if you get this for mom, you might want to order extra flowers. For when she has a heart attack.
E! Online
by Marc Malkin
Stars in Orbit: Lindsay, Jamie-Lynn and a Funny Gay Guy
Nov 10, 2006 3:45 PM
LAUGHING: Funnyguy Bruce Vilanch popping into A Different Light bookstore in West Hollywood for a signing of Conversations and Cosmopolitans, a memoir and coming-out guide for families by Robert Rave and his mom, Jane Rave.
E! Online
Planet Gossip
by Marc Malkin
Nov 1, 2006 1:23 PM
Former NYC publicity player Robert Rave and his mom, Jane Rave,
signing copies of their new book, Conversations and Cosmopolitans, on Nov. 7
at A Different Light bookstore in West Hollywood.
Next Magazine
Conversations and Cosmopolitans
A collection of anecdotes in which très gay Robert Rave and his très adorable mum Jane recall the happy, sad and often hilarious interactions the two had after Rave’s coming out, the book features bite-sized chapters in which Rave attempts to delineate the gay version of “fierce” from Webster’s more frightening definition, mom’s thoughts on Internet dating (“I don’t like it.”) and the parental stance on waxing. The work is subtitled “How to Give Your Mother a Hangover,” but most matrons will likely be too punch drunk on the PFLAG mushiness to care. ($13.95; convosandcosmos.com)
FAB Magazine
by Robert Rave and Jane Rave
(iUniverse books, $15.99)
For your mom: Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover
What is it about moms? They’re the first ones to know you’re gay and, even when they don’t know, it’s because they’re in denial because, deep down, they know you’re gay. Show her your love with some good-natured teasing in this collection of witty essays about women and their boys-who-love-boys.
Out and About Magazine
by Robert & Jane Rave
'Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover'
If you enjoy the works of David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs, you’ll love “Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover,” a laugh-out-loud funny book written by a gay man and his mother. Jane Rave tried to be open-minded and supportive when her son Robert came out to her in a novel-esque email. But the surprises keep coming as both mother and son learn what being “gay” is—and in the process, realize what being a mother and son really means. Honest and refreshing, both Robert and Jane Rave let you inside their personal demons and insecurities while making you laugh till your sides hurt. The book develops its own language with terms like “point-if-ication” (Weight Watchers brainwashing), the ultimate idea of a mate for gay men “me-but-Latin” and “M’Lynn moments” (see Steel Magnolias…repeatedly). A great gift idea for your own mother—just give it to her over drinks.
DALLAS VOICE
Read any good books?
The winter is a great time to snuggle up with a book and cup of warm cocoa and lose yourself. Crossroads Market offers many of interest to the queer Texan, from Olympian Mark Tewksbury’s “Inside Out” about being a gay athlete to a photo history of Big D, “Dallas Then & Now” to hilarious tomes like “Conversations and Cosmopolitans.”
Crossroads Market, 3930 Cedar Springs Road, 214-521-8919.
In Magazine
In Magazine
Pride Radio
Audio Coming Soon
3Sixty Magazine, UK
Literally literary
Get Your Stockings Filled
December 2006
…And talking of talking, there must be a few conversations more uncomfortable than the one where you tell your family you’re gay. Well, here’s a book packed full of such conversations! Conversations and Cosmopolitans is the true-life gay memoirs of mother and son Jane and Robert Rave.
FRONTIERS MAGAZINE, NOV 21 2006
Meet The Author
JANE AND ROBERT RAVE
November 7th, 7:30pm
Talk about the joys of coming out to Mom in Conversations & Cosmopolitans. A different ight. Tues.,
Q Northeast Magazine
by Erik von Hausen
Fall 2006
Erik’s Thoughts: I have to admit, I started
this book thinking, “Oh no, not another
coming out story. ”Usually stories involving
the parent reactions are depressing
and follow the same path of rejection
and misunderstanding. Cosmos follows
another path and although my own “coming
out” was some time ago, I thoroughly
enjoyed reading Robert and Jane Rave’s
experiences. There is something here for
everyone facing the acceptance of their
own or a relative’s homosexuality and I
highly recommend this book.
Kirkus Reviews
Author: Rave, Robert and Jane Rave
Review Date: NOVEMBER 07, 2006
Conversations and Cosmopolitans
How to Give Your Mother a Hangover
Publisher : iUniverse (136 pp.)
Price (paperback) : $13.95
Publication Date : September 14, 2006
ISBN (paperback) : 0-595-39736-0
Category : AUTHORS
Classification : NONFICTION
A mother and son recount the latter’s coming out with humor and aplomb.
Los Angeles resident Robert Rave teams up with his Midwest-native mother, Jane, to share their “perceptions and misconceptions of what it’s like to be gay and to have a gay child.” Using bits of their correspondence, phone conversations and reminiscences, each tells his and her version of the same event, producing an account akin to the humorous shtick between Joan and Melissa Rivers. While occasionally making for a disjointed read, these parallel monologues also prove to be the collection’s unique strength, in that together they enable readers to witness what happens to both child and parent when one son reveals his homosexuality. The significant effects of such revelations aren’t often presented from multiple perspectives, and both Raves resort to engaging sarcasm when it comes to the subject of Robert’s new lifestyle. It all begins with the gushing coming-out letter that 21-year-old Robert mails to his parents. What Robert considers his “great literary feat,” a “message of honesty and love,” Jane simply refers to as “the gay letter.” Months later, after learning that Robert was ditched by his first love interest, Jane attempts to console him by sending a pick-me-up collection of inspirationally captioned pictures of animals—“in ‘wacky’ poses,” recalls Robert, “positioned so unnaturally that I seriously thought about calling PETA.” Jane then explains the rationale behind her well-meaning gift of “a book about how even whales, dogs, and cats always end up with someone in the end. I wanted to show him that even a whale could find a mate…Several angry phone calls later, I realized that maybe this wasn’t the best choice of books to cheer him up.”
A wise and witty display of one relationship’s hits and misses.
edgeboston.com
by Jay Laird
EDGE Entertainment Contributor
Monday Oct 23, 2006
Mothers & Sons - Robert & Jane Rave on "Conversations & Cosmopolitans"
Robert Rave and Jane Rave spent the last year writing Conversations and Cosmopolitans, a book that takes the "coming out" dialog to new levels - not only does Robert come out to his mother, he takes her out on the town!
The adventures recounted in the book are written in essay-response form: Robert writes a story, and his mother writes her side of view or tells a story in response. Shortly after the book’s release on National Coming Out Day, I had a conference call with both mother and son about everything from the winter weather to therapy tensions.
EDGE: The book contains Robert’s version of how the book came into being. What’s your side of the story, Jane?
JANE RAVE: Well, when he approached me about the book, we were in a restaurant in New York City. I’d always wanted to go back to this restaurant, so it was special. We were waiting for breakfast and he said "So mom, I think we should write a book together." I was still getting my bearings, but I finally paid attention and looked at him and said, "About what?"
He told me that he wanted to write about him coming out. I said "What would I have to write?" I could see him writing a book, but what could I add? He proceeded to give me some ideas. I still couldn’t believe that he wanted to write a book with me, or that I would have anything that I could contribute, but that’s how it started. A lot of laughs later, we had a book.
ROBERT RAVE: Let me tell you, that conversation was probably about as difficult as coming out to them.
JANE RAVE: I’m sure my facial expressions were saying "You’ve got to be kidding" the whole time.
ROBERT RAVE: Yeah, coming out you, I took a lot easier route with a letter, but then having to ask you, face to face, to write a book with me, was quite an experience in itself.
JANE RAVE: Still, I warmed up to the idea. We can laugh about it now, and we even did then. I was just so surprised when he asked me.
EDGE: Robert, were you already "out" to your family as an aspiring writer at this point?
ROBERT RAVE: [laughs] Yeah, try telling your parents you’re gay, and you’re a writer! There was another project I had written that I had sold to Sony Television, so they already knew that I was a writer, but they were surprised that I’d want to write something so personal.
When we started, I realized that there were some family members -- distant relatives and people I didn’t see that often -- who I’d never told that I was gay, because I never really saw them. So in a lot of ways, for me this book has been kind of a coming out process all over again. It’s definitely been an interesting road.
EDGE: How did you end up writing the book this way, with you writing essays and your mom responding? Was that the plan from the beginning?
ROBERT RAVE: I would usually write down some topics, and we’d go back and forth and email each other. When I was back home for the holidays, we would talk and we both would write. We would send stuff back and forth to each other, and my mom would say "I think it’s really important that you include this," and you know - there were things I was surprised she said I should include.
But our whole goal with this book is that if we’re going to do it, it has to be really authentic and it has to be who we are. Otherwise no one’s really going to respond to it, since there’s enough "coming out" material out there.
JANE RAVE:: All those things did happen in the book, and we’ve laughed about a lot of them during the process over the last year or so. We enjoyed writing it, but I’m sure Robert had some sad days recalling things, as I did, when I would think about Robert being all alone and growing up with this weighing heavy on his mind.
It was hard for me to read what Robert wrote, but after reading the completed book, I just feel that if there’s someone that’s struggling with that, even if they just handed someone the book, maybe they could talk about it. We want to get people talking about it. Robert’s still Robert, he’s still the same guy that my husband and I have watched grow up. Like any kid, he drove us crazy once in a while, but he’s still Robert.
EDGE: When you started this book, did you expect it would go to this level of re-examining your pasts?
JANE RAVE:: Well, for me, when Robert threw some ideas out there for me to think about how I could comment on them, it really got me thinking about that particular situation of his coming out. You know, when we got "the gay letter" from Robert, you would think me as his mother would have known. I didn’t have a clue.
ROBERT RAVE: We said we wanted to create way to help other people open up a dialog, but the book really became a way for my mom and I to open up a dialog all over again, and not just with each other. In our hometown, my mom was recently getting her hair done, and she told the woman "I need to get my hair done because I’m going to New York". The lady’s like, "Well what are you going there for? Some gay and lesbian thing?"
And it kind of took my mom by surprise, but she said, "Actually I am." And then my mom proceeded to explain to the lady that she’d written a book with me, and that I was gay, and the woman was like, "Well, I don’t agree with it, I don’t think it’s a good choice." So where my response would have been to get up and say "Screw this lady! She’s not getting my money!", I’m really proud of my mom because she stayed in the chair and she basically sat and heard what the lady had to say and then had a dialogue with her about it. I think that’s what we need a lot more of instead of my initial gut reaction.
JANE RAVE:: My husband thought I should have gotten out of there, and my daughter thought I should have, but I thought, " No, I’m probably going to have to deal with more people like that. Robert’s dealt with a lot of these people over the years, and I’m going to have to learn to do the same thing." I’m very proud of Robert. At the end of my haircut, she couldn’t have been any sweeter. I don’t know if I convinced her, but I just let her know that he’s still my son and I love him unconditionally. [Being gay] is a small part of who Robert is.
ROBERT RAVE: She got her to listen, but really, at the end of the day, do you want someone who doesn’t have a gay sensibility cutting your hair? [laughs]
EDGE: Has it ever gotten to the point where you’ve felt like you’re oversharing with each other?
JANE RAVE:: Well, that’s why it’s good we have 2000 miles between us maybe! [laughs]. No, I think we’ve shared everything we want to share. We’re a very close family, and we support each other on whatever level we need to.
ROBERT RAVE: My whole philosophy with my mom and my dad has been just making them more comfortable by talking about things, maybe joking about them. I remember I was in my 20s in New York, and I was going to go to the Roxy, and my mom said, "I think I should go to the Roxy!" I was like, "You’re NOT. That just crosses the line."
JANE RAVE:: Yeah, I never made it to the Roxy! I think he said "You’re too old."
ROBERT RAVE: Well, among other things...
JANE RAVE:: Yeah, you told me later. I’ve been to some interesting place in New York, I’ll tell you, but honestly when I’ve felt out of place, it’s been more because of my age than it being a gay club.
ROBERT RAVE: Well, that’s her take on it, but I just can’t imagine my mom surrounded by a thousand shirtless guys dancing I mean, at this point in my life, I’m not so much into that either...
EDGE: Robert, how does your dad play into these stories? Is he a whole other book?
ROBERT RAVE: That’s funny, because we joke with him that he secretly feels left out. So he keeps saying the sequel is going to be called "What about me?"
JANE RAVE:: Yeah, he does say that. We’ll bring stuff up and get to laughing...
ROBERT RAVE: ...I have to say, he’s just been so great and cool about everything. Typically, on paper, you wouldn’t expect someone like my dad, who played every sport in high school, played college football, etc. etc., to be so great with it. He’s comfortable enough in himself and loves me enough to just be excellent about it. He met my ex boyfriend and had dinner with him; he’s met my current boyfriend and invited him to Christmas. I have to say that’s the nature of my parents. I know I’m really blessed with that, and not everybody has that.
JANE RAVE:: That is so true. [My husband] is a part of this, and everything I say, he’s right behind me 100%.
EDGE: Would you say your relationship has developed further in the course of writing this book?
JANE RAVE:: For me, I think it did. Robert’s the youngest by almost five years, and he was always a fun little boy. We always had a great time together. We share everything, but the open dialog of the book.... I don’t know how things could get any better, but they have! I’m very comfortable talking things over with Robert, as he is with us.
ROBERT RAVE: I don’t know any other way. I think for the longest time, as with so many gay and lesbian people who aren’t out to their families -- you know, for so long there’s a huge part of your life that you can’t share, and then once you do, you go into that period where you want to share everything [laughs] - which, well, then you realize maybe they don’t need to know EVERTHING... For me, we’re definitely closer, but we were close before.
JANE RAVE:: I mean, we know when to cool it. We do have a great understanding and do enjoy each other, as does Robert’s dad, but we know when do say, "enough’s enough".
ROBERT RAVE: Same goes for my other siblings.
EDGE: Yeah, your siblings don’t appear so much in the book.
ROBERT RAVE: Well, I didn’t want to make it so much about them, but at the same time, they’ve been so fully supportive of me as well. I just didn’t want to make it about more than me and my mom.
ROBERT RAVE: And I think in the waxing episode, I put in enough information to make family Christmas a little uncomfortable this year!
EDGE: Jane, would you say that there’s any way that Robert, by sharing so much with you, has helped you to grow in your own life?
JANE RAVE:: I really thought about that question when Robert came out. When I was reading and thinking about what I could say, I thought "Boy, Robert put a lot out there, and he knows who he is."
I got married very young. I’ve been married 39 years, and my husband and I have always been a team. So I kind of forgot who I was on my own, and things got put aside. So I’ve really enjoyed getting to know myself, getting to do the things that I like to do differently than my husband. So that part has made me really think about my life, that I’m on this Earth one time, too, and I want to really embrace this whole thing. It’s really made me more confident about my own identity. It just brought out a lot of good things that I forgot I liked in life. It’s not that I was always in my husband’s shadow; he’s very supportive of whatever I want to do. That’s how I am with him, too. We’re a great team. He wants me to enjoy this book.
EDGE: Robert, same for you. Moms impact our lives in so many ways, but are there ways that your mom’s openness with you has helped you to grow?
ROBERT RAVE: For me it was really interesting because I think I got to know my mom in a way that I really didn’t know her before. I know it sounds cliché, but how many of us really know our parents as individuals? We know them as mom or as dad, but I can honestly say after writing this book with my mom, I know my mom so much better. I know who she was in high school I got to see so many different layers of my mom.
And it’s been so great to see her confidence. Her excitement with this book has been so much fun for me because it’s something we get to experience together. So many times I’d be calling from New York (at the time I was working in entertainment PR, and so I’d get to go to a lot of great events), to tell her about what I was doing. But now it’s so exciting for me to hear my mom calling to say, "Oh I just spoke to somebody about the book and they were so excited," or, "Instinct magazine made me mom of the month this month."
JANE RAVE:: It’s been fun, hasn’t it, Robert?
ROBERT RAVE: Yeah, I have to say, it really has been. The life of a book is only so long, and when it ends, I think we’ll be a little sad. I’m actually out in LA now developing a TV show that I sold to the CW, and I’ve been trying to imagine a character like my mom. Of course, she keeps saying, "If you do it, we’re never speaking again!" But hey, Mark Cherry [creator of "Desperate Housewives"] did it!
EDGE: And how are you enjoying West Coast living?
ROBERT RAVE: I have to say, I miss New York. I was in New York for 9 years. I miss the East Coast. I know it sounds crazy, but I miss the cold. I miss those Fall crisp days, and I don’t even mind the snow.
You know, there’s a pumpkin patch across the street from my apartment building here in LA, and it’s so ... fabricated! I mean if you live in New York, you go upstate to a real pumpkin patch, instead of a set piece in the middle of the city. We saw Heidi Klum and Seal and Courtney Cox and David Arquette and their kids and all these people walking in this pumpkin patch. Way too surreal.
The one thing I will say about here is that in California you can have more of a life, if that makes sense.
EDGE: Jane, are there any stories in the book that you felt like you didn’t get to respond to?
JANE RAVE:: Well, just the other day we were talking about more stories where there could have been the "Mama says" responses, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head.
ROBERT RAVE: One thing we tried to do with the book was to keep it short and sweet, because it seemed like other similar material about dealing with coming out was on the heavy side. We wanted something light that you could just pick up and laugh with, but at the same time get something out of. I got an email today from someone who said our book is great counter-programming to Nancy Heche’s book ["When the Truth Comes Out"], which the president of Exodus International is endorsing.
They had the book here at "A Different Light", and I actually started to flip through it wondering what it was about, and once you’re a few chapters in, it’s like, "Welcome to Crazytown!" And she’s in the top 10 on Amazon for gay and lesbian books!
EDGE: Do you think having such a supportive family helped you to get through some of the hard times that many of usl go through when we come out - not with our families, but with getting used to the gay community?
ROBERT RAVE: Well, things like the horrible dating story from the book still stung. But I quickly realized there are so many people like that. The more I talked with my friends about it, they were like "Oh please!" and threw in their own similar stories. I’ve gone through breakups before, and both my parents have been really supportive, like "You want us to go kick his ass?"
EDGE: But it must be nice knowing your mom’s in your corner waiting to beat up any guys that hurt you.
JANE RAVE:: His dad would be right there for him too. It’d be the same for any of our kids. It really upset us when he had a rough time of it, but unfortunately, that happens.
EDGE: So you mentioned a current boyfriend.
JANE RAVE:: Oh he’s a great guy.
ROBERT RAVE: I’m really blessed with my current relationship. My parents have met him, and he’ll meet the rest of the family at Christmas. I’m already telling him he needs to go to the doctor to get some prescription medication to deal with that... I’m kidding. My sister’s great. I’m sure she’ll loosen him up.
JANE RAVE:: And the grandchildren have already met him, and they just loved him, too.
EDGE: Speaking of therapy, what about the whole section in the book about the back and forth between your mom and the therapist?
JANE RAVE:: That was funny because when he was telling that I was thinking, "What in the world does he have to talk to somebody about?" Here we’ve got therapists in our own family, and I’m telling him, "You don’t need to talk to anybody!" But you know, as I discovered in the story I tell in the chapter, everybody needs somebody to talk to.
ROBERT RAVE: Of course at first mom was saying, "You’re just going to be going in there and talking about me to some stranger!"
JANE RAVE:: Well yes, I figured he’d be saying he was having a terrible childhood or something, but he later told me "No, mom, I had a wonderful childhood, it’s not about you."
ROBERT RAVE: I think therapy’s a good thing.
JANE RAVE:: I do, too. I was just surprised. I thought coming out was all he needed.
EDGE: Yeah, "coming out" as being in therapy can be as hard as coming out as gay. Probably harder, nowadays!
JANE RAVE:: I think it’s because as parents, we worry we did something wrong, but you find out later, no, it’s just something people go through.
ROBERT RAVE: The funniest thing is that my mom would sometimes call me right after I walked out of the therapist office. So she’d say, "Oh, so.... How was therapy?" And I’d say, "It was fine..." and of course she’d ask, "What did you guys talk about?" So then I’d just have to say, "I’m not really gonna talk about that; that’s why I went to therapy!"
JANE RAVE:: Oh, Robert!
EDGE: Jane, you get in the last word in the book’s stories since you respond to them. Do you have any last words to get in here?
JANE RAVE:: My only last thought is that if you sense that your child or family member wants to talk to you about something, take the time to listen. Don’t judge that person. I love my son unconditionally. I am very blessed.
I just wish people would listen to their children, and not be judgmental. It’s still your son or daughter, bottom line. If they’re a good person, they’ll still be that way, whatever is going on. I just hope parents and siblings are there for each other.
EDGE: Really, it’s about mothers and sons talking. Robert, any last words?
ROBERT RAVE: Nah, I know not to get in the last word over mom!
gay.com
planetout.com
Interview with Robert Rave, author of "Conversations and Cosmpolitans"
While compiling the stories of their evolving relationship, Robert Rave and his mother Jane pondered whether unconditional love between a parent and child was possible after coming out. The resulting conversations and confessions, fraught with laughter and tears, helped them deal with their emotions.
In "Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover," Robert and Jane cover a diverse range of subjects, such as: "point-if-ication," being brainwashed into counting everything you eat and putting it into a point system; "me but Latin," what most gay men are looking for in a potential mate; and a "M'Lynn moment," based on Sally Field's character in Steel Magnolias who lashes out at her friends in a fit of despair. "Conversations and Cosmopolitans" chronicles an extraordinary friendship that grows stronger as mother and son learn to be more honest with each other-and more honest with themselves.
What inspired you to write "Conversations and Cosmopolitans"?
When we first started talking about the whole process, I was frustrated with all the negative press and headlines about gay people. I had never read anything that was positive and had that family spin to it. I felt there needed to be some kind of counter-programming out there, and I felt a lot of the negativity would go away if it was told from a mother-son perspective.
Also, I knew if I was going to venture into this territory it had to be very different. Coming out seems to be such a redundant topic for a number of gays and lesbians. I'll be honest, I often skip articles when seeing coming out in the title. I've been there, done that -- I even wrote the book on it, literally. I know I'm not the only person who feels like this. So often we say to ourselves, "I don't want to relive that again," or more commonly, "If I have to read another coming-out story. . ." For many gays and lesbians ( to borrow author Jen Lancaster's phrase ) , when it comes to coming out, "bitter is the new black," and quite a number of us have been wearing it for more than one season, including me at the time.
One of the themes of your book is about how, when gay people come out to their parents or family, we have to convince them that we are the same people. You handle that theme in a really humorous way, but it is such a unique thing gay people have to contend with -- to convince those we love that we are still the same person. What kind of an effect do you think that has on our self-esteem?
The notion of being gay for a number of straight people is like drinking a glass of orange juice having forgotten you've just brushed your teeth. To the blind eye it looks the same and smells the same, yet the minute you get a taste it's strangely different. Yet had you had the knowledge ahead of time of what to expect, you would've known how to prepare yourself better.
I think if gay people had the ability to build our self-esteem in all aspects of our lives from an early age we'd gain the knowledge of how to live our life accordingly. However, for many of us we just do the best we can with what we're dealt.
Who are your favorite authors? Are there any in particular you aspire to be?
I'm a huge fan of Augusten Burroughs, David Sedaris, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Aspire to be? As in a Kathy Bates "Misery" sorta way? Umm, no. Then again, there's a part of me that secretly fantasizes about being this really eccentric writer that wears scarves everywhere and writes in some cliffside house on the Amalfi coast -- but I live in an apartment in L.A. where it's too hot to wear scarves.
Before you were an author, you were an entertainment publicist. What made you quit to become an author?
Client: Can you get me a reservation tonight at 8:30 at hot restaurant du jour?
Me: It's 8:15.
Client: I guess you have 15 minutes to make it happen, then.
Client: If you don't get me invited to Diddy's after-party, I'm not paying you this month.
Me: You haven't paid me in three months.
Client: Well, then, consider it four!
Client: I can't believe this is in Page Six! This is unbelievable.
Me: Umm, you had me set up the call with Page Six.
I think that type of dialogue is enough for anyone to make friends with a bottle of vodka and heavy medication. I didn't want to end up one of those crazy people I always heard about or worked with. So while I was still working in PR, I began writing and creating an over-the-top world of PR and its spin that didn't include just the world of entertainment. The piece eventually sold to the new CW network. I'm very excited about it because we have a brilliant showrunner attached.
What's next for you?
I'm trying to sell these books -- I have a mortgage here, people! $13.95 won't kill you! In all seriousness, I've been developing an indie film called "HAG" that I wrote with my writing partner, Andre Mello. We're working with a great production company on it. I'm really excited about it. I'm also looking forward to being a part of the CW TV project, and selling the book it was based on. I have a few other things in the works, too -- that I don't want to jinx.
Last but not least, are you single or dating?
Why do you ask? Was Rodrigo Santoro inquiring? I'm in a wonderful relationship . . . not with Rodrigo Santoro.
windycitymediagroup.com
Bitter Is The new Black
2006-10-11
“There’s a National Coming Out Day?”
It’s a question I silently posed to myself after a reporter asked my thoughts on the importance of National Coming Out Day on October 11. It’s usually followed by, “I think it’s great... much needed.” I shift the topic as quickly as I can to something else—like in this particular case Governor McGreevey or Lance Bass, since they are the most recent high profile gays to enter the fold. This seems to please the reporter, and I seemingly dodge a bullet temporarily. Let’s face it, few gays and lesbians will admit, at least publicly, the reason why such a day even exists.
The reporter’s asking me this question because he’s interviewing me for a book my mom and I wrote together called Conversations & Cosmopolitans: How To Give Your Mother a Hangover. The book tackles a broad range of topics: love, body image, and identity, all from the springboard of coming out to my parents.
Coming Out seems to be such a redundant topic for a number of gays and lesbians. I’ll be honest, I often skip articles when seeing coming out in the title. I’ve been there, done that—I even wrote the book on it, literally. I know I’m not the only who feels like this. So often we say to ourselves, “I don’t want to relive that again,” or more commonly, “If I have to read another coming out story... .” For many gays and lesbians ( to borrow author Jen Lancaster’s phrase ) , when it comes to coming out, “bitter is the new black,” and quite a number of us have been wearing it for more than one season, including me.
I had my coming out day already. Did we need one on a national level? My own coming out day was when I sent my parents a letter announcing I was gay. Not surprisingly, my mother had several worries. In fact, she thought that she was about to lose me to some sort of deep, dark underworld of promiscuity, drugs, and leather. Sure, she could sympathize with my sister over her boyfriends or even my brother with girlfriends, because she’d been there herself; she knew how to be a shoulder to cry on for my sister’s breakups, and she also understood the excitement of new love ( heterosexual love, that is ) . Somehow my mother feared that I was going to disappear into a world whose rules she didn’t comprehend. Even more, she feared that she’d no longer be needed.
Ten years later, after a lot of conversations, and yes, a few cosmopolitans, my mother and I had an honest relationship about my life as an openly gay man.
Two months into writing the book, I received a phone call late one morning.
“I’ve been doing some research on the sexual practices of gays. You’re not into water sports, are you?,” my conservative Midwestern mother asked. Research? Where in the hell was she researching water sports? However, before I could get a word out of my mouth, she followed with, “Would you consider yourself a bossy bottom?”
“The only water sports I’m into, mother, involve a pair of skis, but thank you for the concern. How’s the writing coming along?”
“Good. I have a few suggestions,” she said with a hint of an ego.
“Wait a second. Do I seem like a bossy bottom to you?” I asked.
“The book?” she said, clearly not wanting to know my preferences in sexual positions.
“Give it to me,” I said as I began to pace around my pint-sized apartment.
“I think we should cover your regular waxing visits.”
“You wanna talk about my waxing? Are you insane?,” I asked, horrified. “Mom, I was thinking more along the lines of what it’s like to be gay, told from a mother-and-son perspective.”
“Been there, read that. You want people to buy this or not?,” she shot back. “We have to cover everything, ‘manscaping’ and all.” I was sickened that my mother had uttered the phrase “manscaping.” “I’ve read that most men who wax usually do it to please their partner. Are you waxing for you or for someone else?”
Oh, God. What had I done? Within a matter of a few months, my mother had become a cross between the next Betty DeGeneres and “sex grandma” Sue Johanson.
As the reporter continued on with his questions, I recalled those early conversations with my mom about coming out. It reminded me of the whole point of writing the book—we wanted these stories to be told in a way that could open up a dialogue between families through both the funny and sometimes sad stories we told. This was the message of National Coming Out day; a dialogue between people—something the world could certainly use.
Therefore, to the bitter, snarky gay turning his nose at this coming out story ( like my old self ) : I sincerely regret having bored you with my snippet of my coming out story, but if nothing else, know that after googling I discovered that National Coming Out Day commemorates October 11, 1987, when approximately 500,000 people marched on Washington, for gay and lesbian equality. With recent headlines and in the current political climate, maybe it’s time we all marched again or at the very least stood proud on National Coming Out Day.
For more information on Robert Rave and Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How To Give Your Mother a Hangover, visit www.convosandcosmos.com or at www.myspace.com/convosandcosmos . The book is currently available at barnesandnoble.com and amazon.com.
dotnewsmagazine.com
By Joel Bahr
A Mom and Son Experience 'Coming Out': Get Mom Drunk First
There are few bonds tighter than those shared between a mother and her son. For many, it is a solid, unbreakable bond; one that no person, place or thing could ever asunder. It is a love unconditional, or is it?
Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover by Robert Rave and Jane Rave is the hilarious true story of Robert and his mom, Jane, as they experience getting to know each other all over again after Robert tells his mother he is gay. In poignant and often times laugh-out-loud conversations and letters, readers witness the sometimes bizarre but always entertaining codependent relationship between the two from each of their own perspectives.
"Coming out is such a personal journey," explains Robert, who requested his publisher hold the release of his book to coincide with National Coming Out Day on Oct. 11. "I truly believe that each individual should be allowed to come out in their own way. However, the more visible we are, the more we're able to eradicate fear and misconceptions. Not to get all Oprah, but I believe one of our biggest challenges is to live an authentic life, and be honest with ourselves and the people in our lives."
His mom, Jane, agrees. "I, too, will avoid quoting the gospel according to Oprah, but I will tell you what I've learned in the years since my son first told me he was gay. It's important to instill a strong sense of self worth in everyone whether gay or straight. We should all feel equal and be treated accordingly."
In Conversations and Cosmopolitans, mother and son weather through one of the hardest and most confusing times in both of their lives. They tackle compelling issues such as love, dating, sexuality, body image and identity. They do so in a way that not only tugs at the heartstrings, it also kicks at the funny bone.
Releasing to bookstores everywhere this month, in time for National Coming Out Day on Oct. 11, Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover is a non-traditional family relationship guide. It offers surprising perspectives and universal lessons for all families who may be facing some of the same life-changing issues.
convosandcosmos.com
ADVOCATE.COM
by Paul Florez | Arts & Entertainment |
A son—and mother—come out In their new book Conversations and Cosmopolitans, Robert Rave and his mom, Jane, discuss how Robert's coming-out brought them closer together. A National Coming Out Day special.
An Advocate.com exclusive posted October 10, 2006
The act of coming out is a deeply emotional experience. For Robert Rave, coming out to his mother, Jane, was an occasion for tears, laughter—and cosmopolitans. In their new book, Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover ( iUniverse), the duo document how Robert's coming-out brought them closer together, whether by hanging out in New York City's fabulous gay enclave of Chelsea or awkwardly discussing the pros and cons of waxing. They spoke to The Advocate in time for National Coming Out Day, October 11.
What inspired you both to write this book?
Robert : When we first started talking about the whole process, I was frustrated with all the negative press and headlines about gay people. I had never read anything that was positive and had that family spin to it. I felt there needed to be some kind of counterprogramming out there, and I felt a lot of the negativity would go away if it was told from a mother-son perspective.
Jane : I’m proud of my son, all of my children, but I am especially proud of Robert because it took a lot of courage to do what he did [coming out]. And if he could lay it out there, then so could I.
Robert : She made the joke to me earlier: “I feel like I’m coming out as the mother of a gay son.” [Laughs]
Well, you are, Jane. Is that intimidating at all?
Jane : I’m very proud, but I know I’m going to be put to the test by a few people. I’m ready for questions, whether they ask me or not. A lot of people will probably not flat-out ask but will comment behind my back. What he laid out on the table [in the book]—my goodness, he told a lot about growing up. And I put out there my life, and I’m ready for it.
Many gay kids and their parents don't have that great of a relationship. What's the secret to your success?
Robert : A lot of it was through humor, in the sense that I would say something to break the ice. We once went to a restaurant in west Chelsea and there was a waiter there, a really cute waiter. And I was eating dinner with my parents and we had a different waiter. Halfway through the meal, our waiter switched and we got the cute waiter I had been looking at the entire night. My dad was like, “What? Did the waiter not like us? Did we do something wrong? Are we not New York enough?” And my mom just looked at him and was like, “The waiter likes Robert!” We were able to laugh about it, and even for my dad at that moment, he was like, “Oh, I get it, it’s not such a foreign thing.”
Jane : You really get to know your children as they are growing up. We had a lot of fun together. We play off each other, and if I have a question concerning homosexuality, I just flat-out ask Robert, where maybe some wouldn’t, but we have that bond. I could ask and he would tell me. It took awhile for me to get used to asking about a partner or date, but it’s no different than when my daughter was dating or my oldest son was dating. I like to hear if they have a good time or if the guy was a jerk.
What advice do you have for those coming out to their parents?
Robert : I think once you do come out and do start talking, it's not nearly as bad as you think it is. I think you feel better, for your own mental being—you’re living a more authentic life. I couldn’t be this person who tries to lead a double life, in the sense that I have to pretend I’m straight for this group and I’m gay with this group. It gets exhausting. Once you deal with that, you are really able to focus on the rest of your life and the things that matter to you.
For more details on the Raves and their book, go to www.convosandcosmos.com
GAYWEBMONKEY.COM
It’s been said that a gay man’s best friend is his mother...
It’s been said that a gay man’s best friend is his mother, and Robert Rave and his mother
Jane certainly seem to believe that.
Their new book, Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How To Give Your Mother a Hangover, is a coming out guide written from both the parent’s and the child’s point of view.
The book begins with Robert’s coming out letter to his parents, and then uses his
experiences to help fledgling gay men address
issues with their folks, including boyfriend
introductions, parental visits and hometown
gossip.
The funniest part of the book is the“gay glossary.” Want your mom to know what
you mean when you talk about that gym
bunny you just met, or what DL and DQ mean
in your world? The Raves show both mom’s
definition and Robert’s.
Conversations and Cosmopolitans (...) may
be just the book to hand to your mom as you
share a pair of cosmos and begin “the
conversation.”
Q-Notes, Outword,
Baltimore OutLoud
by Jorge Treviano
In an age where you can find romance online, what’s the status quo for proper behavior?
At the end of a teary call a few weeks ago, Joseph May hung up the phone and realized his six-month relationship was over. Then he did what many gay men now do after they have broken up: he went online and updated his Manhunt and DList profiles, changing his personal status from “In a Relationship” to “Single.” (...)
“The first few days of a break-up is a very sensitive time,” said Robert Rave, author of the coming out guidebook “Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How To Give Your Mother a Hangover.”
“There’s always the chance of reconciliation. Publicly declaring your status can be liberating, but it can also have serious ramifications, especially if done prematurely. You really need to be certain that you own your new label because labels have a way of sticking, even if we don’t want them to.” (...)
TRASHIONISTA.COM
by Robert Rave and Jane Rave
October 2006
BOOK REVIEW: Conversations and Cosmopolitans by Robert Rave and Jane Rave
I loved the idea of Conversations and Cosmopolitans: a gay man and his mother alternately discuss life, love and relationships, sharing details of their own experiences, particularly Robert coming out as gay and how that changed their family dynamic.
It promised to be sweet, witty, insightful and funny- and maybe a bit moving, too.
But was it?
I'm glad to say yes, it was! I'm a sucker for a good memoir, and this is a very good one. It made me cry in a couple of places, and some of Jane's experiences showed that sometimes straight people are looked down on for their sexuality too- which was a very interesting and unexpected angle... But mostly, it made me laugh and kept me hooked. So hooked, I read it in a day, eschewing other petty responsibilities like eating and sleeping to do so!
My favourite chapters were The End, about Robert's coming out letter (which he shares, typos and all) It's Getting Hot in Here, about Jane's first experiences of Cosmos- and meeting Rupert Everett! and The Gay Glossary, explaining gay terminology (the first made me cry, the last two made me laugh. A lot).
Conversations and Cosmopolitans could have been a bit longer though... why are good books so often so short?
Rating: 4 out of 5
PS: We're going to be bringing you an exclusive interview with Robert and Jane Rave very soon- I recommend reading the book in preparation, perhaps with a cocktail on hand...
Trashionista.com Sept 09 2006
Conversations and Cosmopolitans
There's a huge amount of book buzz around upcoming title Conversations and Cosmopolitans (subtitle 'how to give your mother a hangover') by mother-son writing team Robert Rave and Jane Rave. When Robert came out to his mother, it was a difficult and confusing time for both of them as they re-negotiated their relationship. Their book shares the difficulties as mother and son "tackle compelling issues such as love, dating, sexuality, body image, and identity."
If that sounds pretty heavy, it isn't! The authors also discuss: "point-if-ication," being brainwashed into counting everything you eat and putting it into a point system; "me but Latin," what most gay men are looking for in a potential mate; and an "M'Lynn moment," based on Sally Field's character in Steel Magnolias who lashes out at her friends in a fit of despair." In other words, it's frank and funny. It's not released until October but online magazine out.com features an extract from the book in its latest issue, and you can bet we'll be reviewing it soon!
by Robert and Jane Rave (iUniverse)
Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover
Pink Magazine 10/03/06
In the opening to Conversations and Cosmopolitans, co-author Robert Rave relays the melodramatic letter he sent to his family making the big announcement: “I'm Gay!” This memoir—available at bookstores for National Coming Out Day, October 11—recounts both Rave's and his mother's experiences from their own perspectives since his coming out. With a strong bond between mother and son, they explore all things gay, including dating, waxing, cosmopolitans, community, culture and community-based vernacular. (...) The rawness of the text brings the book down to earth, giving it a sense of realism that everyone can relate to. Conversations and Cosmopolitans is the good light-hearted read for all gay guys and their moms!
by Kirk Hartlage published in issue #1319
A BOOK YOU CAN RAVE ABOUT
WATERMARKONLINE.COM, Sep 21st, 2006
Conversations and Cosmopolitans may provide a recipe for strengthening the bond between you and your parents
For any gay man or lesbian, the coming out process can be challenging. And the number of books written on the subject by GLBT authors can easily fill up a store shelf or 12 at the local library or bookstore. But how many of those include a running commentary from the author's mother?
Former publicist and now writer Robert Rave has taken the concept to hilarious outcomes with his debut book Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover (i-Universe). Co-authored with his mother Jane Rave, the tome begins with the then 21-year-old son living in New York sending what has since become known in his family as "The Letter" - a coming out letter to his parents back home in Indiana. From there, Conversations chronicles an extraordinary friendship that grows through a mother and son being honest with each other and themselves.
While Rave knows that the Young Gay Professional Comes Out story is territory previously mined, he's quick to justify his book.
"When I came out, I picked up a lot of gay magazines and there weren't many references in them about coming out. This is told from two sides of the process. I just wish that stuff like this could have been available back then."
Especially if it's stuff that's so hilariously told.
WHY DIDN'T THEY KNOW?
In the book, Rave wonders why some seemingly apparent signs of his sexual orientation weren't more visible to his mother, such as his being overly excited with the lengths she went to providing him updates from Days of Our Lives.
"She put a cassette tape deck up to the TV while I was in grade school so I could listen to who the Salem Strangler was," Rave recalls. "That should have been a huge red flag."
Other apparent signs are also played for laughs.
"I made a deal with my dad that I would play football if he would subscribe to the Disney channel on cable," Rave says. "He did it, and by the end of the season, I was actually pretty good. But when he asked if he should he sign me up for the next year I said I (didn't like) the Disney channel anymore, so I was done with football. He was floored."
Though the book is co-authored by only one of his parents, Rave's father has been very supportive.
"The joke is that he wants to be in the sequel because he feels left out," Rave laughs.
'WE GOT NO LOVE'
Many local gays and lesbians will likely relate to Rave's near-dysfunctional love of all things Disney, even when a character breakfast during a family vacation to Orlando goes awry.
"We got no love from the characters," Rave laughs, some two decades after a theme park morning meal included food but none of the promised tableside meet-and-greets. "My mom could tell I was disappointed but she got up from the table and did something about it. There was something very Tony Soprano about it."
"I was such a Disney freak," Rave recalls. "When I was 10, 11 … maybe 21, I even wrote a letter to Disney World asking how I could be a character there."
Despite the somewhat negative experience that day, Rave says he still loves Disney. He's since returned as an adult for past years' Gay Days Weekend celebrations - even if some of the late-night parties don't rest well with him.
"As someone who's held Disney World at such a state of Mecca, I was a little off- put by the MGM party. It's weird having club music pumping through the park like that. At first it didn't rest well with me. I didn't know if I really like that - like it was tainting Disney World," Rave says.
THEN MOM OPENED UP
He's since come to terms with it all, however.
"I quickly realized I was such a loser for thinking like that," he laughs. Still, he's found that Gay Days can bring about a bit of a "cruisy" element to it, but he's quick to justify that "so does Macy's during a sale."
Without ruining any twists, it is safe to say that by the book's end, Rave's mother exposes several skeletons in her own proverbial closet that helps explain some of her own actions and attitudes. Her honest admissions are likely to provoke the reader to create and engage in honest dialogue with their own parents.
"I've always talked with my mother, but did I really know who she was?" Rave asks. "The more I came out to her, the more she came out to me. After she explained some of her past to me, I saw her on a different level. I don't know how many people get to know their parents in that way."
MOM GUESS WHAT
Conversations & Cosmopolitans: How To give Your Mother A Hangover
By MGW News
Original article located on page 26
09/15/2006
Interview by M.
What was the idea behind this book when you first talked about it? Did it evolve over the writing?
Robert: It was about sharing our story really. Coming out stories aren't really anything new, and when my mom and I discussed writing this together we wanted to tell some of the conversations and situations we encountered over my process of coming out which even today continues to evolve. We wanted these stories to be told in a way that could open up a dialogue between families through both the funny and sometimes sad stories we tell.
Jane: I think the idea evolved when Robert talked about the letter he sent almost ten years ago, and that brought up all the emotions I felt at the time, and how I worried about him on so many levels. My reasoning was that it might help other people with their insecurities whether they are gay or straight.
Did working on this book together make you closer?
Robert: We barely speak. Just kidding! I think so. We've always been close, and we're looking forward to going around the country in support of the book because we always have so much fun. My mom's still debating if she's going to allow my dad to join us.
Jane: Yes it did although we were very close, probably because he's the youngest in the family, and there are a few years in between siblings. In other words, he's spoiled. Only kidding, Robert.
What's been the response from family and friends?
Robert: The response has been tremendous from the family members we've let read the advance copies. Then again, my mom and I want them paying for their copies. No free lunch from us! In all seriousness, in some ways this is like I'm coming out all over again.
Jane: For the most part it's been good with our family members. I ' m sure some of our friends aren't quite sure what we could possibly have to say in a book. When some people found out he was gay, they totally turned their back on us, and Robert. I guess you find out who your friends are.
Along with the laughter, there are some genuinely painful moments in here. Was it hard to put those on paper for the world to see?
Robert: In all honesty, absolutely. I'm telling some pretty embarrassing stuff in there, but I think that's the only way you get someone to connect. Be authentic, and people will be able to relate.
Jane: Yes, there were painful moments, Robert's coming out letter was very painful-I wasn't sure I wanted to share personal moments about Robert, but he was adamant. I don't want him hurt anymore, I am so proud of him, and for me telling my personal dreams for myself was hard. I hadn't shared them with anyone, only my husband. However, I wouldn't trade my life for anything it is the best.
Fried Elephant Ear?
Robert: They're as Kathy Griffin would say "like a hug from Jesus"! You can only get them at county fair's in the Midwest. Don't worry, it's not like some crazy carny went all Van Gogh and started slicing the ears off elephants and decided to serve them deep fried. It's basically fried dough with sugar and cinnamon. They're hard to come by these days.
Jane: Oh sooo good, but soooo fattening.
Were there stories that were left out in the editing process that you are sorry didn't make it in?
Robert: There were a few, but honestly I'm happy with what made it into the final version. The ones that didn't make it we're most likely going to post on our website www.convosandcosmos.com for fun.
Jane: There are probably more stories now that he is older, but this book is more about the early coming out years.
Which of you makes the better Cosmo?
Robert: Probably me. I'm gay and lived in NYC for 9 years, and now LA-I better know how to make a half way decent one.
Jane: Honestly, I don't know how to make one. I had my first one with Robert while visiting him in New York years ago. The name sounded good, and at the time I felt I needed something that sounded chic.
Which of you has more "M'Lynn Moments"?
Robert: I haven't had that many lately, but I have learned to appreciate my life so much more. It's hard to be "in the moment" as they say, but when you are things can be pretty amazing.
Jane: I would say Robert. He's by nature a worrier, and has had a panic attack once or twice. For me, I guess I am the glue to hold things together, then I'll have a moment much later.
Robert: I can't believe you called me a worrier. I'm much calmer.
Jane: You make Woody Allen seem calm.
What's next for both or you?
Robert: The new CW Network recently bought the rights to a show based on a piece I wrote. I'm really excited about it, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I wish I could say more, but I can't. I also have a script that was just optioned, and I'm working on a rewrites for a novel I wrote.
Jane: Another Cosmo for me.
What do you hope readers take away with them after they read your book?
Robert: I hope they're able to see a little bit of themselves and their own crazy relationship with their family in our story. I hope that they are able to pass the book onto a family member, and so on and so forth.
Jane: I hope people take away that a person's sexuality doesn't define who a person is, and that we are all different in our own special way!
New book details mother-son outing of another sort
by Joel Bahr
There are few bonds tighter than those shared between a mother and her son. For many, it is a solid, unbreakable bond that no person, place or thing could ever tear asunder. It is a love unconditional.
Or is it?
Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover is the hilarious true story of Robert Rave and his mom Jane Rave as they experience getting to know each other all over again after Robert reveals that he is gay.
In poignant and oftentimes laugh-out-loud conversations and letters, readers witness the sometimes bizarre, always entertaining, codependent relationship between the two from each of their perspectives.
Coming out is such a personal journey, explains Robert, who specifically asked his publisher to hold the release of the book to coincide with National Coming Out Day (Oct. 11). I truly believe that each individual should be allowed to come out in their own way. However, the more visible we are the more were able to eradicate fear and misconceptions. Not to get all Oprah, but I believe one of our biggest challenges is to live an authentic life and be honest with ourselves and the people in our lives.
His mom agrees. I, too, will avoid quoting the gospel according to Oprah, but I will tell you what I¹ve learned in the years since my son first told me he was gay. It¹s important to instill a strong sense of self-worth in everyone whether gay or straight. We should all feel equal and be treated accordingly.
Robert Rave: Im so proud that my mother (right) has allowed me to show her the real me.
In Conversations and Cosmopolitans, mother and son weather one of the hardest and most confusing times in both of their lives. They tackle compelling issues such as love, dating, sexuality, body image and identity. And they do so in a way that not only tugs at the heartstrings but also kicks at the funny bone.
Like when Robert teaches Jane the gay glossary, including terms that may not be part of the gay vernacular but should be. For example, point-if-ication: counting everything you eat and putting it into a calorie point system. A MLynn moment: based on Sally Fields character in Steel Magnolias who lashes out at her friends in a fit of despair. And, perhaps the most relevant of all, me but Latin: what many gay men are looking for in a potential mate. (Amen to that!)
Through laughter and tears, mother and son learn the power of living in the truth even truth that might be hard to swallow.
I have learned about all the hatred and discrimination that the GLBT community faces, says Jane. To be honest, its still something that I worry about, and Im sure a majority of parents of gay children do as well.
The underlying message of the book may be bookmarked by funny stories, but make no mistake, our goal was to get families talking so that they may eventually embrace one anothers differences.
Writing this book with my mom was daunting, Robert says. In many ways, it was like coming out all over again. But it gave me an even more honest and close relationship with my mother so it was certainly well worth it.
Im so proud that my mother has allowed me to show her the real me. I know
Im extremely blessed. Ive heard so many stories that are quite the opposite as mine. My mother truly is the real deal.
Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover is in bookstores everywhere. For more information, go to www.convosandcosmos.com.
Lavender Magazine, Sept 18 2006
Conversations and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover?
Robert Rave and Jane Rave. Iuniverse - $13.95
At 21, alone and living on his own for the first time in the Big Apple, Robert Rave composed and sent back to his conservative Midwestern parents what he felt was his Grand Confessional, later to be known in the family as "the gay letter." Mama, upon reading this missive, was shocked, and summoned her husband home from an office meeting. His reaction was more prosaic: "What's the big deal " Now, 10 years later, Rave and Mama have coauthored a book, chronicling their voyage together, navigating new waters, as they come to a new and profound-sometimes hilarious, sometimes poignant-mutual understanding. Written insightfully in alternating Robert chapters and "Mama Says" comments, the collaboration offers a view of one family's gay-offspring crisis, as well as a springboard for dialogue in any family. In a most moving moment, Mama shares some past history that reveals she does, indeed, understand what it means to be afraid and isolated.
Washington Blade, Sept 15 2006
Falling into literature
Gay books this autumn range from teen political novels to queer anthologies
By KATHERINE VOLIN Friday, September 15, 2006
Autumn's gray days and impending cold have a way of making the lure of a good book, a fire and a warm drink all the more appealing. This fall's gay literature tableau includes the usual handful of memoirs, but also delves into deeper political waters.
A gay man, Robert Rave, and his mother, Jane Rave, collaborated to write "Conversations & Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother A Hangover." This non-fiction work uses reproductions of letters and conversations between mother and son to show how they forged their adult relationship. (…)
HX August 30, 2006
Conversations & Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover
By Robert Rave and Jane Rave (iUniverse, convosandcosmos.com)
When Robert moved to NYC, he immediately wrote a coming-out letter to his parents-and began to drag his mother, Jane, into this gay world. Alternating between Robert's and Jane's takes on the same life-changing events (Robert's first Fire Island share, meeting Rupert Everett), you're struck by how much they really care about each other. One quibble: The author complains about feeling unattractive throughout the book. But we've seen the Friendster pics, which reveal him to be quite the dish!
